Blame It On Something

Tweet Bunz. Bubble Boy. Richie Cunningham. Ghost Dog. Had this been a 5-seater, I would have drafted Data from the Goonies to fill a quota, but he hasn’t invented a workable pair of slick shoes yet, to date.

Enlisting a whole set of A-listers for his, Blame It video (some D-minus listers, we’ll just call friends – you’ll see them) Jamie wanted to bring back that Biggie Smallz-esque video feel – big party, multiple cameos, red lights, sunglasses in the club, etc. Courting Hype Williams for directing purposes, solidified the attempt. I have no real gripes about this video or its choice in cameos. It actually gives me a boner, just like what alcohol was meant to do. Kudos to you for a boner well done, Eric Marlon Bishop, kudos!

Cameos: Forest Whitaker, Jake Gyllenhaal, Jamie Foxx, Ron Howard, Quincy Jones, Jermaine Dupri, T-Pain, Tatyana Ali, Morris Chestnut, Ice Cube's little thug friend from Player's Club, Bill Bellamy, Pinky from Next Friday & House Party (if you look closely), the world's largest bladder, Cedric the Entertainer's Teeth, Jalen Rose, the Uncle from The Jamie Foxx Show, and, last but not least, Samuel L. Jackson.

Jesus@GetatHIM.com

Tweet I am a fan of Jesus. If I could wake up and physically give Jesus a high five every morning just to say, Thanks! I would. Now what the INFA-BAT has concocted goes beyond any Nintendo technology. There are a few questions I need answering before I provide COD.

-Will this “Revolutionary new 3-part system” increase my prayer/answer probability?
-Can you throw in a free talking crucifix when I order within the next 5 minutes?
-What was the old 3-part system?
-Will my prayers show up in Jesus’ SPAM folder?
-Does this serve as an anti-virus also?

All things considered, the market for selling erections has upped its profit in the past fiscal years. I have no problem walking around with an illegitimate 5-hour boner, but delegating prayer to a machine called Computer is asking for a lifetime of purgatory or ass rape. Either way, see you never.

SIDE NOTE: Did they really Trademark PrayReCorder & PrayerCaster but not P@H?

Snow Job

Tweet Snow Day: Snow – Check. XBox – Check. Bowl of FrankenBerry – Check. Porn - Check. Growing Pains Marathon - Check. For bonus: Karate Kid DVD: Sweep the Leg Edition - Check.

By the time the afternoon hits, you should be on your third jerk or at least you’re fourth Cup O’ Noodle (bonus). Otherwise, it’s just a waste of a snow day. Now, I don’t know what they do in Britain, but I would assume playing in the snow during winter just feels like a Tuesday. Don’t get me wrong, this is an accomplishment of wonderment and science at its best, but doesn’t such an abstract feat like this garner some sort of village attention? All I see are 3 virgins and a trail of wasted effort.

Bushtits? No, They're Pigeons!

Tweet What happens when you cross a curious 23 year old Australian, a Middle East visit, and padded envelopes? A pair of pigeons in your pants sponsored by Adidas – that’s what! It must be really fucked up in the Middle East when pigeons are being smuggled out of their own country for safety. My question is, can’t birds just fly to another country? Silly Australians!

See You Rater, Arrigator...

Tweet Somewhere PETA is frowning. During the New Year Holidays in the Shanxi province of China, three adorable kids will plead negligence to animal cruelty, because they just think it’s plain ol’ fun to spraypaint Cocker Spaniels bunny pink. I concur. The real crime, however, is not using house dogs for travel or as an art medium, but using house dogs for the house special. (See high cholesterol child turn a 4-seater into 3).

Revisiting The 43rd: Picture Me Rolling

Tweet REVISITING THE 43rd...

During the countdown to Obama’s historical Inauguration, or as George W. prefered to call it his, “Countdown to summer vacation in the winter,” the Smithsonian unveiled the 43rd U.S. President’s portrait at the National Gallery in Washington on January 7th. Astounded by the uncanny resemblance from his, “Hey! I’m really not listening, but just smiling at you,” expression to the whimsical nipple flats of his rugged Greg Norman shirt, our two-time President of 8 years couldn’t help but say, “Damn, I don’t even wanna shake my hand!”

Let's Go Change America

Tweet History! That's exactly what it is. A long day of celebration and triumph has come to an end but not before we party like it's 1999! 8pm - the night festivities begin. Ball 1 of 10 is in the books. 7 Balls later we've clearly noticed a trend.

11:59pm. The King of Zamunda himself, and the first lady were on their 8th Ball out of 10 monotonous celebrations. By 12:15am fatigue settled in as the redundance in speeches and dance moves became evident to any non-important person at home taking in the events on MSNBC. While the day concentrated on Barack Hussein's Inauguration, the night belonged to Michelle and her ever-important world changing dress designed by Jason Wu. How come no one asked Barack about his Oscar Dela Renta Tuxedo or why they only supplied the DJ with one Etta James record. Was their no B-side? Perhaps this was the "old school" that B-smooth was chatting about at the "Be The Change Inaugural Youth Ball," where one record is all we needed back in the day. But the MTV generation was not the only crowd to be graced with a surprise. Toward the final stretch of Balls, the Creative Coalition Ball had the luck of the draw to have their invitation answered by the grandest Baldwin himself - Billy Baldwin -- The Long Island Lolit-o, himself.

12:42am. "At last" it's over and so begins the first day of work in a few hours. I repeat, the first day of work. Yes, it's true, Mr. President, you did not get paid today. Nor did J. Crew pay your kids for their promotional value. "The real work starts tomorrow" indeed! I still say, "Fuck you, pay me!

Game Over

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“The CO in the cafeteria with the billy club?”

“Salim the Muslim “buck-50” to the throat in the yard?”

“Alan the Anal Orangutan in the showers with the toothbrush shank?”

It’s a sad day for Orenthal. If there was ever a better time to run, it would be now and not during Game 5 of the Knicks-Rocket’s Playoff series. Life has officially gotten short for the Juice.

"We've Got Bush!"

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Jigga man & PYT Beyonce get it in at the basketball Mecca of the world, Madison Square Garden, to see the Cleveland Lebron James’ take on the Knicks. Meanwhile, in an attempt to catch Sir Hov’s eye-in-a-snatch, the two yuck it up while trying to figure out which one of these Knick dancers caught the "Clap" from Marbury. You have to wake up pretty early to get one over on a fellow member of the Tri-Lambs, Mr. Photographer Man.

P.S. Somebody please call Child Protective Services on the Jewish looking man for striking his son for wearing the ugly green pajama shirt, courtside at the Knick game.

Plax's Next Move

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“This is an important time for him to take care of his body and heal up and also deal with the very serious legal consequences and other issues in his life. When I spoke with him [Burress], he expressed great remorse for letting down his teammates,” Giants President John Mara stated. “Coach Coughlin, GM Jerry Reese and I, have all met behind closed doors prior to and post of this meeting with Burress and concluded in a unanimous agreement that Plaxico is a fuckin’ idiot,” is what they’ve been dying to say.

Millionaire Athlete + Friday after Thanksgiving = Self-Inflicted Gunshoot Wound

The level of ridiculosity is beyond bearable thus forcing me to suggest other items Mr. Burress could’ve shot at, even though shooting himself in the leg just seemed convenient.

1. Movie Theatre Screens
2. Aquaman
3. Stephon Marbury
4. The guy that sold Toyota all those commercial slots promoting their “Saved By Zerooooo” offer
5. The writer of the “Saved By Zeroooo” jingle
6. Squirrels
7. Indians
8. Terrorists?

Burress will have enough time to finish this list during his bid up North, unless he escapes...