Madonna & the Economy

Tweet Madonna was spotted this weekend at her favorite shopping store – Africa. Requesting her two cents on the struggling economy, she responded, “Everyone is positioning themselves to save even a penny where possible. That’s why I carry coupons when I buy my children.”

Made In Japan

Tweet It’s no question that America’s best imports are from Japan -- Baseball, Wii Fit, Nude Animation, Hookers and now Barack Obama. No wonder he’s so good in math. Herro Mr. Plesident!

Are Elephants Covered In My Deductible?

Tweet In Kochi, India an elephant goes “elephant” on a nearby vehicle when it realizes it’s an elephant. How this is a surprise to anyone, boggles my mind. Rubbernecking never gets old.

On the plus side, I’m sure explaining this to the insurance company should be rather easy considering all support is outsourced from there.

“Hi, yes my car was in an accident in India. An elephant uprooted my roof.”
“Yes! We have been having issues with our elephants this season. Can you please describe the elephant, Sir? Is it the elephant with the chains wrapped around its ankles?

The Ever Elusive DogBearBat

Tweet Not to be misconstrued with the ManBearPig, the DogBearBat is for real, for real. With a mix of calcium carbonate found in sidewalk chalk, 3rd world vandalism and an evasive mad scientist emerges Science at its echelon. Not since Voltron, has one seen such a conglomerate of power, fear and aeronautics in one.

For all you naysayers that believe this is just an angry yet overly curious dog experimenting with a glory hole found outside of a hardware store in Bogota, Colombia -- your imagination is just remedial.

International Abs

Tweet Here’s a side of Mumbai, India that wasn’t captured in the Oscar-heavy film Slumdog Millionaire. With dedication, focus and just 6 minutes a day, you too can have abs strong enough to withstand a motorcycle ride. Brought to you by the award winning ab exercise “6 Minute Abs” you too, can be the center of attention in a parade in Mumbai.

Why is the motorcyclist only wearing a helmet?

Leno vs Obama vs Special Olympics vs Bullshit

Tweet Last week Obama appeared on Leno, as part of his media blitz. During the interview, Obama mentioned his dismal 129 bowling score to most, but to him a vast improvement from his original 37 showing. In general Host form, Leno quiffed at his outing, sparking chuckles from the crowd and even Sir Obama himself. Not in defense, but playful banter, Obama chucked out and compared his score to those like the Special Olympics. Cringe worthy – yes! Should the President of the Free World have said that? Yes – because it’s the Free World. No matter his choice in simile, he’ll be criticized by 40% of the US population no matter what he does. I’m sure their was beef over his Red tie, alone.

But why does this deserve positive reinforcement, instead of the negative backlashes he has been receiving? By this week, the Special Olympics will be among the top Googled subjects probably right above “Dancing with The Stars Injuries.” What’s that – 6.3 million results found on Google. What’s that? Special Olympics reality show in the works on TLC? Not yet, but like the National Spelling Bee, everyone loves an underdog.

Tim Maloney, a 38 year old Special Olympics bowler, has been bowling for the past 30 years. In light of Obama’s recent comments, Maloney suggests Obama needs to invest more focus and time to ever reach his average of 165. Now if my Asian math is precise, which it ALWAYS is, Obama might not take home a bronze medal, but he might take home a participation award at the Special Olympics with that score.

Forbes Lists It Again

Tweet With reason to hate your life even more, Forbes released its annual richest billionaires in the world list. In an effort to portray sensitivity in a struggling economy, a special note was highlighted stating that everyone on the list got poorer, just like the rest of us. In 2008, there were 1,125 billionaires. Due to the harsh realities of the economy, it has depleted to 793, thus lowering plot choices for Ocean's 14. Putting this into layman’s terms, we ALL took a loss. And for a step further, let's put this into an analogy, for all you SAT studs out there.

Warren Buffet loses $25 billion dollars due to the dip in Berkshire Hathaway stock. As a result he takes the #2 rank amongst the world’s richest billionaires.

AS TO:

a.) Red is to Orange.

b.) Juno is to Alaska.

c.) David Seid loses $10,000 due to overtime-pay cutbacks at a computer company. As a result, he is not rewarded Employee of the Month, or does he receive a participation award this year. His productivity level drops thus prompting an increase in office theft.

d.) Bark is to Dog.

If you chose Choice C, you are wrong. Here’s why. Because David got poorer, the comparison is dead-right equivalent to Warren, because Warren got poorer too! However, with an increase in company theft, Dave overcompensated for the amount lost, reflecting his gross throughout the fiscal year to be higher. Because it pays to steal from a computer company, David bettered Warren. Trick question!

The World's Richest Billionaire - Because Billionaire alone, doesn't suggest richest. Great wordplay Forbes, now go fuck yourself.

Flashbacks of a Genius

Tweet Well are you, dude? You better be with a pair of kickass aviators, a bomber’s jacket and a mug that resembles one Val Kilmer during his Top Gun days. Data East was well ahead of its time to produce such a life-like video game and plot rendered in a 8-bit cartridge. This is still a present-day threat as long as ninjas walk the Earth. This is nothing to sneeze at. It’s no secret Korea is no friend of ours, and they, technically are the Best of the Best, when it comes to ninja terrorism. Now if only, my Bad Dudes game for Nintendo would only work so I can foil their plans and eat hamburgers on the steps of the White House, for a job well done.
Genius!

Ancient Chinese Secret #3: Sodium

Tweet Gearing up for the European leg of her World tour, Beyonce plans to hit 22 stadiums in 36 days to further push her album, I Am…Sasha Fierce. Brilliant strategy in staying away from U.S. territory and its struggling economy. Now, why Sasha Fierce is stocking up on so many noodles in a cup is not brilliance at its best. It’s not like she has any passengers on her plane to feed. Somewhere it’s deemed upper-class blasphemy to buy single packs of Cup O’Noodles in a leather jacket unless you’re at BJ’s, because that would be deal. However, I must note that sodium never looked so sexy on a bodega shelf. Buy on, Beyonce. Buy on!
(image courtesy of GIANT magazine)
Actually, don't buy on. Is this even legal?

Your Dog is a Fag

Tweet -Not that it’s a problem. That’s it. No story.