1.21.2009

Let's Go Change America

History! That's exactly what it is. A long day of celebration and triumph has come to an end but not before we party like it's 1999! 8pm - the night festivities begin. Ball 1 of 10 is in the books. 7 Balls later we've clearly noticed a trend.

11:59pm. The King of Zamunda himself, and the first lady were on their 8th Ball out of 10 monotonous celebrations. By 12:15am fatigue settled in as the redundance in speeches and dance moves became evident to any non-important person at home taking in the events on MSNBC. While the day concentrated on Barack Hussein's Inauguration, the night belonged to Michelle and her ever-important world changing dress designed by Jason Wu. How come no one asked Barack about his Oscar Dela Renta Tuxedo or why they only supplied the DJ with one Etta James record. Was their no B-side? Perhaps this was the "old school" that B-smooth was chatting about at the "Be The Change Inaugural Youth Ball," where one record is all we needed back in the day. But the MTV generation was not the only crowd to be graced with a surprise. Toward the final stretch of Balls, the Creative Coalition Ball had the luck of the draw to have their invitation answered by the grandest Baldwin himself - Billy Baldwin -- The Long Island Lolit-o, himself.

12:42am. "At last" it's over and so begins the first day of work in a few hours. I repeat, the first day of work. Yes, it's true, Mr. President, you did not get paid today. Nor did J. Crew pay your kids for their promotional value. "The real work starts tomorrow" indeed! I still say, "Fuck you, pay me!

12.06.2008

Game Over

“The CO in the cafeteria with the billy club?”

“Salim the Muslim “buck-50” to the throat in the yard?”

“Alan the Anal Orangutan in the showers with the toothbrush shank?”

It’s a sad day for Orenthal. If there was ever a better time to run, it would be now and not during Game 5 of the Knicks-Rocket’s Playoff series. Life has officially gotten short for the Juice.

12.05.2008

"We've Got Bush!"

Jigga man & PYT Beyonce get it in at the basketball Mecca of the world, Madison Square Garden, to see the Cleveland Lebron James’ take on the Knicks. Meanwhile, in an attempt to catch Sir Hov’s eye-in-a-snatch, the two yuck it up while trying to figure out which one of these Knick dancers caught the "Clap" from Marbury. You have to wake up pretty early to get one over on a fellow member of the Tri-Lambs, Mr. Photographer Man.
P.S. Somebody please call Child Protective Services on the Jewish looking man for striking his son for wearing the ugly green pajama shirt, courtside at the Knick game.

12.03.2008

Plax's Next Move


“This is an important time for him to take care of his body and heal up and also deal with the very serious legal consequences and other issues in his life. When I spoke with him [Burress], he expressed great remorse for letting down his teammates,” Giants President John Mara stated. “Coach Coughlin, GM Jerry Reese and I, have all met behind closed doors prior to and post of this meeting with Burress and concluded in a unanimous agreement that Plaxico is a fuckin’ idiot,” is what they’ve been dying to say.
Millionaire Athlete + Friday after Thanksgiving = Self-Inflicted Gunshoot Wound
The level of ridiculosity is beyond bearable thus forcing me to suggest other items Mr. Burress could’ve shot at, even though shooting himself in the leg just seemed convenient.
  1. Movie Theatre Screens
  2. Aquaman
  3. Stephon Marbury
  4. The guy that sold Toyota all those commercial slots promoting their “Saved By Zerooooo” offer
  5. The writer of the “Saved By Zeroooo” jingle
  6. Squirrels
  7. Indians
  8. Terrorists?

Burress will have enough time to finish this list during his bid up North, unless he escapes...

10.26.2008

Obama Gettin' That A-rab Money!!!



Contrary to popular hill-billy belief, Barack Obama is not an Arab. But according to the latest hip-hop terminology, he’s “gittin” that paper, son! Based on the numbers spent on their campaigns, including Obama’s most recent prime-time space acquisition, McCain is being outspent in every one of the 14 states that the 2 camps are vying for. It’s as if McCain can carry all of his campaign money in his left tube sock or a Velcro wallet. Open up a lemonade stand, Johnny. Work the drive-thru at McDonalds, sell your body to an Biology class, or go on Big Brother and win $500,000. Even if you lose, you’re still on TV.

With the economy in trenches, retail sales at an all-time low and Wall Street’s drastic gains and losses like an undetermined bulimic, Obama drops 3.3 million dollars on TV ads on a Monday. Can we borrow a dollar, Barry?

9.16.2008

I Want My 2 Dollars!


Merrill Lynch whores itself to Bank of America for $50 billion. Lehman Bros. scrambles to look for a buyer like a bad ebay auction and AIG writes a big fat “I OWE U” to the Federal Reserve for about $430 billion pesos. Oh, and the Dow plunged 504 points.

In local news, Craig still owes me $2 bucks!

9.15.2008

Obama is WRONG!!!


Days after Obama’s controversial lipstick comment, people of America - Republican, Democratic, Independent and Mexican - have had time to take a step back and dissect the jab aimed at Sarah Palin with more logic than emotion. And the general consensus says, “Obama is wrong!”

“… you know you can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig…”

Wrong Mr. Obama!
You put lipstick on a pig, that pig becomes gay. If not gay, than crazy... Buffalo Bill crazy! I think you owe us an apology sir!

9.08.2008

Swiss Beats, Son!


Not to be confused by the American producer/rapper, but Switzerland’s own Roger Federer continues to prove that he is the world's greatest tennis player as he crushed the 21-year old Scottish hopeful, Andy Murray, in straight sets at the US Open Finals in Flushing, New York.

After dismantling the newly ranked #1 Nadal the night before, Murray would seem to be the favorite going into today’s championship match with a win over Federer earlier this year in Dubai. But Federer would prevail against the doubts and like a father to a stepson, he proceeded to beat the shit out of him in convincing form, claiming the US Open title for the 5th time straight.

In addition to his record book accomplishments, Federer is in fact, getting that Oprah money, banking 1.5 million dollars plus a Lexus IS-F for his feats achieved. All of which is his to stack since he has no coach to pay or any pesky 4 second samples to clear. Next stop – Australian Open - #14!

9.04.2008

Republicans Go Hollywood



Announced yesterday, Sarah Palin has given the green light to play the Republican Vice Presidential Nomination this year.

Sure to be this Fall’s most talked about role in Prime-Time since the return of Christian Slater to Hollywood, expect to see Daddy Yankee make a splash guest appearance adding “gasolina” to the fire!

9.03.2008

Me Llamo Chad?

Undergoing change is a big thing in anyone’s life. It’s hard to swallow. What’s even more difficult is coming to grips with the transformation and living with it. 72 hours later after Chad Johnson’s name-redecoration to Chad "Ocho Cinco,” we can’t help but ask, “Why not this name…”

1. Chad Jonsyn – It’s hip, it’s fresh. It’s even spelled in a new rapper-like way!

2. The Chad – Adding “The” in front of any Proper Noun crowns it legendary. For example: THE Godfather, THE Thong Song, Nobody Beats "THE Wiz!" All timeless classics.

3. Rod Tidwell – Arguably THE best WR in Football history to bear #85 on his espalda. Jerry Maguire & Reebok will back that statement any day.

and last by not least...

4. Gay – (Please see image above)