Life After Karate Kid

Tweet Cobra Kai Dojo squad has found another gig other than beating up suckas on Halloween with wack costumes. Unfortunately, Johnny is unavailable as he is filming the sequel to "Just One of the Guys"

Time To Learn Cunnilingus

Tweet The benefits of a female Elementary school teacher include: Summer's Off, Free Apples, and Countless Opportunities to Take Advantage of Your Children (especially if minority) - Lil' Hector is just the height to perform a standing munch.

Ruin My Photo, Why Don't Ya!

Tweet What would have been a perfect screensaver for Windows '97, has been tainted with a German cyclist that is about to get raped in the Forest of Whispers.

Reading At A 3rd Grade Level

Tweet Mexican Superhero Mario Lopez promotes his new book "Mud Tacos". One can't help but think that this title resembles a sexual innuendo much like Hot Karls and Cincinatti Bow Ties.

More Fiyah!

Tweet If a Guinness Book of World records rep wasn't on site to record "most people engulfed in fire at the same time" one would think that Jamaicans really do burn gay people.

Hello, Kitty

Tweet 403 sapphires, 1-carat diamond and 1,939 pieces of topaz. = $150,000 Hello Kitty. A must-have for pedophiles that prefer the gold-digger type.

Docta Jones, Docta Jones!

Tweet Onset of the sequel to "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" maybe we'll finally find out the true power of Kali Ma.

Contestants For the Miss Homeless

Tweet Miss Homeless was crowned in Belgium recently. The contestants were judged on darkest urine, sharpest toenails, and best vintage Member's Only Jacket. The winner received a rent-free flat and Tupperware for the year.

Is the "H" Silent?

Tweet Just in case this makes next year's Spelling Bee, Associated Press went the extra mile and provided the American pronunciation of Rihanna. As you can see, the "H" IS silent!

Shantytowns = Chick City

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This is the part of Brazil where herpes & phat asses are made.

The Rubik Cube Challenge

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A blindfolded participant solves a puzzle in the annual Rubik Cube Hungarian Open Championships. The winner receives a walk-on role of the Hogan's Family and Teen Wolf 2.

Protest Protesting

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About this time is when you trade in your beliefs for some cash. Or at least organize a protest not during general work hours.

Space Doesn't Exist

Tweet NASA released new Hubble photos that are said to be 6 million light years away from us. With a trillion questions to be answered from these space photos, two seem to rise to the top of the inquisition-meter. How can a telescope view the same planet it's projecting from if Orbit City is on Planet Earth? More importantly, how can I apply to Spacely Sprockets?

Finding Chinks in the Armor

Tweet Tuck in your penis because with this Ukrainian designed suit of armor, expect to slay the dragon and not have sex with the Princess.

You're Island Is On Fire

Tweet The "See Something, Say Something" policy apparently does not exist on the islet of Hunga Ha'apai, 39 miles northwest of the Tongan capital Nuku'alofa as it burns to a crisp. With the information that we know now, this might be a job for the Dharma Initiative to correct.

St Bernard's: The K-9's #1 Rapist

Tweet Put a human adult in a playground with a bottle of Vodka, and we can expect a little bit of ruckus mixed with a few battered memories. Now place a dog with keg around his neck 24/7 and I introduce to you the biggest pervert of all dogs - The Saint Bernard.

This Rainbow Blows

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A Thousand Friends, A Thousand Parties

Tweet For the first time in her life, Katie Clack is the most popular girl in Georgia - tons of friends, tons of parties. No longer will people shit in her hair and leave dead raccoons in her locker. She's the prom queen now with a long list of demands starting with a mayonnaise sandwich and a twelvesome.

Can I Take You For Granted?

Tweet Granted - I took these all for: The Last Episode of Seinfield, John Starks and the Dewey Decimal System. Now, how am I ever gonna find Shel Silverstein and The Tropic of Cancer in this mess?

Your Reflection Is Ugly

Tweet The Mirror Of Truth Says: Cholesterol is not your friend.

Okay. Say It At the Same Time Now...

Tweet "...it's YOUR fault!" is what I would assume B-rack & Billy C. were murmuring into the ears of the Bush tandem. Or they could all be asking the same question about the 5th elephant in the room - "Is that Jimmy's Brother? Because he totally looks like Jimmy's Brother!"

Ultra Orthrodox Jews Like Chicken Too!

Tweet Called the Kaparot ritual, it is believed that one's sins from the past year will be transferred into a designated chicken later to be slaughtered. Not the Super-fight we'd all expect, but I'd pay up a few wampums and a conch see what separates the Ultra-Orthodox Jews from just the Super Orthodox Jews.

If My Penis Was a Gun, I'd Be a Terrorist

Tweet When I was 16, I'd wake up, look out the window and ponder today's mission: Lose Virginity. For Mian Mohammad, a member of a local citizens' militia against Taliban, his priorities were less penis-fulfilling.

Who Wan' It!

Tweet Somewhere, somehow, Fox News is gonna blame this anticipated crime on rap music or Kanye West. However, the real crime should be blamed on Johnson's & Johnson's for not supplying Nigeria's militant leaders with the proper skin lubricant. Can someone please lick this guy's elbows.

Invasion of the Pod People

Tweet First sightings of the pod people have been documented in the Netherlands. Much is not known of these green Reese's buttercup-like with a child in the center "things", but they are white and born in some sort of pink coating. Nostradamus predicted this with one end-result: death. Demoralize the enemy from within by surprise, terror, sabotage, assassination. This is the war of the future. - A. Hitler

Color Blind People Are Racist

Tweet Unless you're an AKA, pink and green has never meshed well together since the birth of the watermelon. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner couldn't agree more, as professional sign holders write their demands in big letters like a Grammar School Hall Monitor Election.

My Mustache Will Soothe Your Tears

Tweet "No Me Gusta un bigote!" This would make sense if the kid were Spanish, but I'm sure Baghdad gets Telemundo. Someone tell that kid on the 10-speed bike to beat it, or he too will be a victim of the militant group Asaib Ahl al-Haq's Pants-Mustache Brigade.

Mr. Rooney Would Kick My Ass If He Knew!

Tweet "You realize if we played by the rules right now, we'd be in jihad now!" Everyone needs to take a Ferris Bueller day, even in the middle of war!

In War, What Time Is Lunch?

Tweet If terrorism was a hoagy, he would be our knight in shining armor eating orange alerts like mango-tangelo Skittles. Unfortunately, high cholesterol and stealth necks do not fight crime; they fight abs and encourage Facebook usage.

Are those handcuffs made of chocolate nougat?

... A Spade "A Spade"

Tweet BLACK JACK TACO: The only taco available at the back of the bus. Yours to OWN for $.89 - is what the marketing campaign might as well be. Expect this to last an Al Sharpton minute.

http://www.tacobell.com/blackjacktaco/

My Friends Call Me Whiskers Because I'm A Worrier

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cats - the number 1 family musical in America!

cats - the world's most thrilling theatrical event!

Cats - the magic, the mystery, the memory will live forever!

CATS - the 7 time Tony Award winner, the once and a lifetime experience. The most exciting family musical!

In a word - CATS!

At the Winter Garden Theater. Call Telecharge 212.239.6200

(cast album on Geffen Records and Tapes)

Who The Fuck Ordered Pizza?

Tweet Don't expect other Pizzerias to offer speedy delivery. Don't expect other Pizzerias to deliver in typhoons. What you can expect is your Pizza to be FREE if it's not delivered to you in 20 minutes or less. Just look for a dead minority in the nearest ditch wearing a pair of Crocs and cargo shorts and your FREE hot delicious pizza is sure to be nearby!

This Terrorist Act Is Sponsored By Puma

Tweet With this exclusive sponsorship, terrorists and ragamuffins must perform all death-defying acts equipped with the latest Puma hats, socks and key chains.

Right To Koala Bear Arms

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Hungarian President Laszlo Solyom thinks it's all fun and games with a Koala Bear, but there's unresolved beef these coy mini-bear-cats have with mankind. First it's the sleeve and before you know it, your beak is ripe for the picking Mr. Hungarian President.

I present to you, "Flashbacks of a Koala"

Treating Obesity

Tweet "You will lose your tits and stop throwing rocks at me!" Not necessarily the best diet pep talk, but that's what I would say if I was an Israeli border policemen detaining this Palestinian rock-throwing Sloth. Adopting the chokehold to kickstart a diet never hurt anyone, it saves lives!

I'm On Break Bro!

Tweet The average work week in the US has fallen to 33 hours. Supervisors urge all their employees to not work a minute past that prime number. Wildfires and deadly emergencies are just bluffs to test their commitment to follow employer authority.

Someone Say Roofies?

Tweet This could have been handled in several ways. But I think the tagline, "Shh, it's just me Casper" would be considered terrorist-like.

The RZA, the GZA, Ol Dirty Bastard, Inspectah Deck, Raekwon the Chef, U-God, Ghost Face Killah and...

Tweet After solving the mysteries of Chess Boxing, the Wu-Tang Clan inducts Herro Sanchez into the 36th Chamber. "Your soul has just been taken through the 36th Chambers of death, kid!"

What the Fuck Is a Frush?

Tweet I guess that opening "Robster Craws" bit didn't ease the tension during the Economic Track Principal Meeting in Washington D.C. Not everybody is hip to obscure 80's references, U.S. Treasury Secretary Geithner!

This Still Won't Stop Me From Masturbating

Tweet It's the opposite of rewarding abstinence. This explains India's record population.

Valet Parking in Baghdad

Tweet "Can you put this in a good spot? Cause all this shit happened the last time I parked here."

Guns, War & Sandals

Tweet Just another Tuesday in Korea - Fat kids in sandals and terrorism.

Stupid Plastic Face Masks Cause Attention

Tweet "It was YOU, who drank my apple juice!"

Don't Quit Your Day or Night Job!

Tweet Reflecting on Usain Bolt’s superhuman-like performance during the World Games in Berlin, I’ve found myself wondering what he would be when he retires from Track & Field. The only logical and most successful position my mind could muster is a Rickshaw Runner. Never has there been a perfect marriage of Chinese and Jamaican culture since Bruce Leeroy in the Last Dragon. I would pay plenty of Washingtons for this ride! This fusion is its own perfect analogy.

Booty Traps! That's What I Said... Booty Traps!

Tweet Who would’ve thought Data from the Goonies would be into house construction? I thought Pinches of Pal would sell way more than Sum Dum Goy’s fortune cookies. Oh well! There’s always a job in dipping tiles while wearing life jackets.

Oh Bull-Shevik!

Tweet If I could be an animal, what animal would I be? How about a bull? Better yet. How about a raging bull with flaming horns and a vendetta against Spaniards? Yep! That's what I'd be. Every Sunday, I'd charge through a small village in Cretas, Spain wearing a Wilson Phillips T-shirt from their 1990's Hold On Tour with a sword strapped to my nostrils, bellowing in autotune while showing off my wildly buffed glutes. When it rains, I'd multiply faster than Chinese sperm to ensure my longevity. That's what I would be if I were an animal!

Congo Meets Hillary Clinton

Tweet Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reminded everyone at a Congo summit that she is not, in fact, Fmr. President Bill Clinton. Outraged that one would ask her what she thinks her husband has planned on an international financial matter, triggered the inner Jan Brady.

Wait. You want me to tell you what my husband thinks?

Not many would make such an assinine assumption considering Bill is a modern day Fonzi and Hillary is kind of like the Cunningham of the crew, but she made sure that Dikembe Mutomobo and the rest of Congo never makes that mistake again! Keep this up Hillary and you'll never be prom queen.

Syrian Jew + Canadian = Paula Abdul

Tweet It's official. Paula Abdul will no longer be with American Idol. The all-international judging panel loses it's Syrian-Canadian Jew to its possible rival - Dancing With The Stars. Within all this mix, the more important question is, where is MC Scat Cat?