Don't Quit Your Day or Night Job!

Tweet Reflecting on Usain Bolt’s superhuman-like performance during the World Games in Berlin, I’ve found myself wondering what he would be when he retires from Track & Field. The only logical and most successful position my mind could muster is a Rickshaw Runner. Never has there been a perfect marriage of Chinese and Jamaican culture since Bruce Leeroy in the Last Dragon. I would pay plenty of Washingtons for this ride! This fusion is its own perfect analogy.

Booty Traps! That's What I Said... Booty Traps!

Tweet Who would’ve thought Data from the Goonies would be into house construction? I thought Pinches of Pal would sell way more than Sum Dum Goy’s fortune cookies. Oh well! There’s always a job in dipping tiles while wearing life jackets.

Oh Bull-Shevik!

Tweet If I could be an animal, what animal would I be? How about a bull? Better yet. How about a raging bull with flaming horns and a vendetta against Spaniards? Yep! That's what I'd be. Every Sunday, I'd charge through a small village in Cretas, Spain wearing a Wilson Phillips T-shirt from their 1990's Hold On Tour with a sword strapped to my nostrils, bellowing in autotune while showing off my wildly buffed glutes. When it rains, I'd multiply faster than Chinese sperm to ensure my longevity. That's what I would be if I were an animal!

Congo Meets Hillary Clinton

Tweet Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reminded everyone at a Congo summit that she is not, in fact, Fmr. President Bill Clinton. Outraged that one would ask her what she thinks her husband has planned on an international financial matter, triggered the inner Jan Brady.

Wait. You want me to tell you what my husband thinks?

Not many would make such an assinine assumption considering Bill is a modern day Fonzi and Hillary is kind of like the Cunningham of the crew, but she made sure that Dikembe Mutomobo and the rest of Congo never makes that mistake again! Keep this up Hillary and you'll never be prom queen.

Syrian Jew + Canadian = Paula Abdul

Tweet It's official. Paula Abdul will no longer be with American Idol. The all-international judging panel loses it's Syrian-Canadian Jew to its possible rival - Dancing With The Stars. Within all this mix, the more important question is, where is MC Scat Cat?

Would You Like to Hire a Jew Today?

Tweet Ben Stein, most noted for his monotone voice particularly when hollering, “Bueller… Bueller… Bueller…” was fired from his Sunday New York Times Business Column due to his poor decision to endorse a credit report company - FreeScore.com. Apparently, this is far more devastating to his name than playing Rabbi Goldberg on Family Guy. It’s okay Ben, between your ironman eyebrows and push for Voodoo Economics, you’ll bounce right back. L'chaim!