Madonna & the Economy

Tweet Madonna was spotted this weekend at her favorite shopping store – Africa. Requesting her two cents on the struggling economy, she responded, “Everyone is positioning themselves to save even a penny where possible. That’s why I carry coupons when I buy my children.”

Made In Japan

Tweet It’s no question that America’s best imports are from Japan -- Baseball, Wii Fit, Nude Animation, Hookers and now Barack Obama. No wonder he’s so good in math. Herro Mr. Plesident!

Are Elephants Covered In My Deductible?

Tweet In Kochi, India an elephant goes “elephant” on a nearby vehicle when it realizes it’s an elephant. How this is a surprise to anyone, boggles my mind. Rubbernecking never gets old.

On the plus side, I’m sure explaining this to the insurance company should be rather easy considering all support is outsourced from there.

“Hi, yes my car was in an accident in India. An elephant uprooted my roof.”
“Yes! We have been having issues with our elephants this season. Can you please describe the elephant, Sir? Is it the elephant with the chains wrapped around its ankles?

The Ever Elusive DogBearBat

Tweet Not to be misconstrued with the ManBearPig, the DogBearBat is for real, for real. With a mix of calcium carbonate found in sidewalk chalk, 3rd world vandalism and an evasive mad scientist emerges Science at its echelon. Not since Voltron, has one seen such a conglomerate of power, fear and aeronautics in one.

For all you naysayers that believe this is just an angry yet overly curious dog experimenting with a glory hole found outside of a hardware store in Bogota, Colombia -- your imagination is just remedial.

International Abs

Tweet Here’s a side of Mumbai, India that wasn’t captured in the Oscar-heavy film Slumdog Millionaire. With dedication, focus and just 6 minutes a day, you too can have abs strong enough to withstand a motorcycle ride. Brought to you by the award winning ab exercise “6 Minute Abs” you too, can be the center of attention in a parade in Mumbai.

Why is the motorcyclist only wearing a helmet?

Leno vs Obama vs Special Olympics vs Bullshit

Tweet Last week Obama appeared on Leno, as part of his media blitz. During the interview, Obama mentioned his dismal 129 bowling score to most, but to him a vast improvement from his original 37 showing. In general Host form, Leno quiffed at his outing, sparking chuckles from the crowd and even Sir Obama himself. Not in defense, but playful banter, Obama chucked out and compared his score to those like the Special Olympics. Cringe worthy – yes! Should the President of the Free World have said that? Yes – because it’s the Free World. No matter his choice in simile, he’ll be criticized by 40% of the US population no matter what he does. I’m sure their was beef over his Red tie, alone.

But why does this deserve positive reinforcement, instead of the negative backlashes he has been receiving? By this week, the Special Olympics will be among the top Googled subjects probably right above “Dancing with The Stars Injuries.” What’s that – 6.3 million results found on Google. What’s that? Special Olympics reality show in the works on TLC? Not yet, but like the National Spelling Bee, everyone loves an underdog.

Tim Maloney, a 38 year old Special Olympics bowler, has been bowling for the past 30 years. In light of Obama’s recent comments, Maloney suggests Obama needs to invest more focus and time to ever reach his average of 165. Now if my Asian math is precise, which it ALWAYS is, Obama might not take home a bronze medal, but he might take home a participation award at the Special Olympics with that score.

Forbes Lists It Again

Tweet With reason to hate your life even more, Forbes released its annual richest billionaires in the world list. In an effort to portray sensitivity in a struggling economy, a special note was highlighted stating that everyone on the list got poorer, just like the rest of us. In 2008, there were 1,125 billionaires. Due to the harsh realities of the economy, it has depleted to 793, thus lowering plot choices for Ocean's 14. Putting this into layman’s terms, we ALL took a loss. And for a step further, let's put this into an analogy, for all you SAT studs out there.

Warren Buffet loses $25 billion dollars due to the dip in Berkshire Hathaway stock. As a result he takes the #2 rank amongst the world’s richest billionaires.

AS TO:

a.) Red is to Orange.

b.) Juno is to Alaska.

c.) David Seid loses $10,000 due to overtime-pay cutbacks at a computer company. As a result, he is not rewarded Employee of the Month, or does he receive a participation award this year. His productivity level drops thus prompting an increase in office theft.

d.) Bark is to Dog.

If you chose Choice C, you are wrong. Here’s why. Because David got poorer, the comparison is dead-right equivalent to Warren, because Warren got poorer too! However, with an increase in company theft, Dave overcompensated for the amount lost, reflecting his gross throughout the fiscal year to be higher. Because it pays to steal from a computer company, David bettered Warren. Trick question!

The World's Richest Billionaire - Because Billionaire alone, doesn't suggest richest. Great wordplay Forbes, now go fuck yourself.

Flashbacks of a Genius

Tweet Well are you, dude? You better be with a pair of kickass aviators, a bomber’s jacket and a mug that resembles one Val Kilmer during his Top Gun days. Data East was well ahead of its time to produce such a life-like video game and plot rendered in a 8-bit cartridge. This is still a present-day threat as long as ninjas walk the Earth. This is nothing to sneeze at. It’s no secret Korea is no friend of ours, and they, technically are the Best of the Best, when it comes to ninja terrorism. Now if only, my Bad Dudes game for Nintendo would only work so I can foil their plans and eat hamburgers on the steps of the White House, for a job well done.
Genius!

Ancient Chinese Secret #3: Sodium

Tweet Gearing up for the European leg of her World tour, Beyonce plans to hit 22 stadiums in 36 days to further push her album, I Am…Sasha Fierce. Brilliant strategy in staying away from U.S. territory and its struggling economy. Now, why Sasha Fierce is stocking up on so many noodles in a cup is not brilliance at its best. It’s not like she has any passengers on her plane to feed. Somewhere it’s deemed upper-class blasphemy to buy single packs of Cup O’Noodles in a leather jacket unless you’re at BJ’s, because that would be deal. However, I must note that sodium never looked so sexy on a bodega shelf. Buy on, Beyonce. Buy on!
(image courtesy of GIANT magazine)
Actually, don't buy on. Is this even legal?

Your Dog is a Fag

Tweet -Not that it’s a problem. That’s it. No story.

Blame It On Something

Tweet Bunz. Bubble Boy. Richie Cunningham. Ghost Dog. Had this been a 5-seater, I would have drafted Data from the Goonies to fill a quota, but he hasn’t invented a workable pair of slick shoes yet, to date.

Enlisting a whole set of A-listers for his, Blame It video (some D-minus listers, we’ll just call friends – you’ll see them) Jamie wanted to bring back that Biggie Smallz-esque video feel – big party, multiple cameos, red lights, sunglasses in the club, etc. Courting Hype Williams for directing purposes, solidified the attempt. I have no real gripes about this video or its choice in cameos. It actually gives me a boner, just like what alcohol was meant to do. Kudos to you for a boner well done, Eric Marlon Bishop, kudos!

Cameos: Forest Whitaker, Jake Gyllenhaal, Jamie Foxx, Ron Howard, Quincy Jones, Jermaine Dupri, T-Pain, Tatyana Ali, Morris Chestnut, Ice Cube's little thug friend from Player's Club, Bill Bellamy, Pinky from Next Friday & House Party (if you look closely), the world's largest bladder, Cedric the Entertainer's Teeth, Jalen Rose, the Uncle from The Jamie Foxx Show, and, last but not least, Samuel L. Jackson.

Jesus@GetatHIM.com

Tweet I am a fan of Jesus. If I could wake up and physically give Jesus a high five every morning just to say, Thanks! I would. Now what the INFA-BAT has concocted goes beyond any Nintendo technology. There are a few questions I need answering before I provide COD.

-Will this “Revolutionary new 3-part system” increase my prayer/answer probability?
-Can you throw in a free talking crucifix when I order within the next 5 minutes?
-What was the old 3-part system?
-Will my prayers show up in Jesus’ SPAM folder?
-Does this serve as an anti-virus also?

All things considered, the market for selling erections has upped its profit in the past fiscal years. I have no problem walking around with an illegitimate 5-hour boner, but delegating prayer to a machine called Computer is asking for a lifetime of purgatory or ass rape. Either way, see you never.

SIDE NOTE: Did they really Trademark PrayReCorder & PrayerCaster but not P@H?

Snow Job

Tweet Snow Day: Snow – Check. XBox – Check. Bowl of FrankenBerry – Check. Porn - Check. Growing Pains Marathon - Check. For bonus: Karate Kid DVD: Sweep the Leg Edition - Check.

By the time the afternoon hits, you should be on your third jerk or at least you’re fourth Cup O’ Noodle (bonus). Otherwise, it’s just a waste of a snow day. Now, I don’t know what they do in Britain, but I would assume playing in the snow during winter just feels like a Tuesday. Don’t get me wrong, this is an accomplishment of wonderment and science at its best, but doesn’t such an abstract feat like this garner some sort of village attention? All I see are 3 virgins and a trail of wasted effort.

Bushtits? No, They're Pigeons!

Tweet What happens when you cross a curious 23 year old Australian, a Middle East visit, and padded envelopes? A pair of pigeons in your pants sponsored by Adidas – that’s what! It must be really fucked up in the Middle East when pigeons are being smuggled out of their own country for safety. My question is, can’t birds just fly to another country? Silly Australians!

See You Rater, Arrigator...

Tweet Somewhere PETA is frowning. During the New Year Holidays in the Shanxi province of China, three adorable kids will plead negligence to animal cruelty, because they just think it’s plain ol’ fun to spraypaint Cocker Spaniels bunny pink. I concur. The real crime, however, is not using house dogs for travel or as an art medium, but using house dogs for the house special. (See high cholesterol child turn a 4-seater into 3).

Revisiting The 43rd: Picture Me Rolling

Tweet REVISITING THE 43rd...

During the countdown to Obama’s historical Inauguration, or as George W. prefered to call it his, “Countdown to summer vacation in the winter,” the Smithsonian unveiled the 43rd U.S. President’s portrait at the National Gallery in Washington on January 7th. Astounded by the uncanny resemblance from his, “Hey! I’m really not listening, but just smiling at you,” expression to the whimsical nipple flats of his rugged Greg Norman shirt, our two-time President of 8 years couldn’t help but say, “Damn, I don’t even wanna shake my hand!”